


Why Tony Stark Filed a Patent for Transparent Gauze and Never Produced One Inch Of It

by florahart



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Teamwork, not hulk fault, rated R for ridiculous
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-31
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-07 01:15:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/742420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/pseuds/florahart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Look, just because he's eight feet tall and green doesn't mean rage is his <i>only</i> negative emotion, okay?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Why Tony Stark Filed a Patent for Transparent Gauze and Never Produced One Inch Of It

**Author's Note:**

> Avengerkink prompt: Hulk being squicked and freaked out by something kind of innocuous. Since I previous wrote about Hulk being afraid of squirrels, I figured probably I should fill this one, too. R for ridiculous, naturally.

"Hawkeye, Iron Man, do you see Hulk?" Steve looked around, trying to see in the direction of the bellow, but between the dust and the rock formations, he couldn't find Hulk.

"Negative," Clint said. "I see _where_ he is, but he's completely obscured in the cloud of whatever the hell--but he hasn't moved in, like, a _minute_. Iron Man? You're clear to go take a look." 

"On it," Tony said. He flew over to hover above the small tornado whirling around Hulk, lowering himself down to get a better look. "Thor, are you back? Can you do anything about this wind bullshit? Or no, wait. It's..." He lifted an arm and fired a blast into the ground north of the disturbance, then another, then a third, which... bounced and spun him. As Clint watched, he started to spin faster and faster without a word, and then he dropped to the ground thirty yards from Hulk, drilling himself into a hole in the rock until he finally slowed, waist-deep. He still didn't say anything.

"Shit," Clint said. "Iron Man's down, maybe out or his comm's busted. Cap, he's--they're--at your ten o'clock, if you go around the thing with the three spikes? I have the shot to mop up your aliens. Watch out for whatever he took a shot at, in the dirt maybe twenty feet past him from your point of view."

Steve looked up and nodded, then took off running, which meant Clint lost him for a minute in the formations as well. Which was fine; his attention was on dropping twenty-three bad guys with nine arrows.

Which was fine; they didn't get the memo about not standing in clumps the first time he exploded a cliff face to squish three in one go, and besides, Tasha had a couple chasing her up and over until she could double back and garotte them, and Thor was on his way back from chasing down the escape pod he'd blown up with lightning. So it was fine.

After the last one was down, Clint took his remaining arrow, deployed the grappling hook, and started down the cliff face, then came met up with Tasha (bruised, but okay) and Thor (pleased with the battle) to follow Steve's trail.

Hulk was still bellowing, so Clint picked up every arrow that was still usable along the way; whatever it was, it had to be pretty bad, right?

And then they came around the rock, and found the others.

Tony, faceplate up, glanced their way and said, "yep, busted," then turned and took a shot off the shield as Steve threw it. The blast bounced down into a hole Clint was pretty sure was the one Tony had shot at before, and then a barely-visible echo (a force field, maybe?) came back on the same vector; nothing was there because neither Tony more the shield had stayed put. "On more," Tony said. "That was slower. JARVIS says nine percent."

Steve shrugged and pointed. "Up there?" Tony nodded and Steve threw, and then everyone moved again. 

This time, the delay before response was obvious, and Tony grinned. "Got him." He turned to Clint. "See if you can help Cap calm down Big Green when we get it shut off. The rest of you, if it spins me out again..." He started walking toward the smoking crater with Thor and Tasha following, and Clint shrugged and started toward Hulk. Who he could see now; the tornado had slowed, and he was visible in the center, thrashing and howling against something Clint still couldn't make out.

Two explosions sounded down in the hole and the wind stopped entirely, and Clint glanced over his shoulder to see everyone was all right, then stepped in front of Hulk.

Who was still thrashing and roaring, scraping at nothing along his arms and legs and belly with his big hands. "Hulk?" Clint shouted. 

Hulk didn't answer, but his roars became words. "GET OFF HULK. GET OFF."

Clint tapped his earbud. "Tasha, ask Iron Man if he sees anything on Hulk. Like, restraining him or crawling on him or...?"

There was a pause, during which Steve reassured Hulk they were working on it, then Tasha came back with, "Yes. Iron Man says Hulk is wrapped up like a mummy in some kind of, his words, phase shifted radioactive fuckery." 

Clint stepped in front of Hulk's face and waved his arms. "Hold still?"

"GET OFF."

"Want to. I thought I'd try cutting, only it, not you. Okay?"

"IT NO TEAR. GET OFF HULK NOW NOW GET OFF GET OFF."

"Hold still." Clint touched Hulk's arm, trying to decide if he could feel anything there. "Hulk, I can't find it... wait. If you can feel it but I can't then maybe... Hold still, okay?" He thought about what he had in mind for a second, then rearmed one of his arrows, choosing the one radioactive device he had, and turned to Steve. "You might want to step away," he said.

"GET OFFFFFFFFFF," Hulk howled.

"Negative," Steve said. He held out his hand. "It'll give me a sunburn. Him too. You, probably a little worse."

Clint sighed, then handed over the arrow and the bow -- If Hulk wasn't going to panic, it needed to be done from up close, but he'd need the bow to deploy the device.

Steve took both, then spoke into the comm. "Behind rocks, everyone. Iron Man, anything else we need to know?"

Tony turned to Tasha, then she said, "The paler stone is better protection."

Everyone ducked behind boulders, and Steve handed Hulk the arrow, told him to hug it, took a couple of steps back, and triggered the blast.

"Stark?" 

Tony lifted off, sparks flying, and landed next to Hulk, faceplate down. He turned in a 360 degree circle, then put up the plate. "All good," he said. "He soaked up most of it." 

Everyone came out and looked at the ground around Hulk, where long strands of bandages were piled loose and translucent. Hulk looked down too, and picked up a foot to stomp them, and stomp, and stomp. "OFF. STAY OFF."

"Hulk's afraid of gauze?" Tony asked the group. Everyone shrugged.

"THIS GAUZE BAD. VERY BAD. STAY OFF." Apparently rendering the gauze visible had also rendered it fragile; it was falling to dust as Hulk smashed at it.

"Kay," Tony said. "But it's okay when it's not clear like that, okay? Because some of us are going to need the good non-clear gauze on our injuries sometimes, okay?"

"BAD CLEAR GAUZE." Hulk stomped some more, then looked around at the pile and found one more unpulverized area to bring his fist down on. "KEEP OFF."

"You got it, buddy." Clint beckoned Hulk. "Why don't you come over here and Iron Man can set it on fire just in case.

"KILL GAUZE."

"Yep. Come on over here. We'll torch it, and then we can go home.

"GO HOME WITH NO GAUZE."

"That's right, big guy. Come on."

Hulk cast one more lingering and extremely mistrustful gaze on the mountain of dust and fine pieces of fabric, then stepped over it and toward Clint.

Clint brushed him off, and Hulk, on realizing there might still be any on him, helped enthusiastically, then stepped further away. "SMASH WITH FIRE."

Tony grinned and flipped down his faceplate again before blowing it all into a pile and lighting up the whole mess.

"We good?" Clint asked. 

"HULK GOOD. NOT LIKE INVISIBLE GAUZE."

"Yeah, we got that. No gauze for Hulk."

"EVER."

"Not ever." Steve agreed, coming up on Hulk's other side. "Come on. Let's go home."


End file.
